Turns out that sometimes you just can’t fake it.
Let it be known that I have never experienced abdominal muscles in my life. This is not to say that I’m fatty or unfit, I’m just one of those people for whom the honour of The Pack of Six was never bestowed.
It was therefore, with a little intrigue and much gusto that I put my hand up to be the guinea pig for what is, apparently, the hottest new trend for summer – body contouring. Kim Kardashian did it, after all.
I was thinking Gigi Hadid in Tommy Hilfiger or that super fit chick from the Nike women ads. You know… #lifegoals.
I was also thinking my diet could get f**ked.
So, I cared not for the carby carbonara and bloaty beer that went down the hatch last night, for I was about to cheat my way to some sharply carved abs. And when I sighed at the sight of my mummy tummy in the mirror that morning, it was with a “So long SUCKERS!” kind of sigh, for soon my belly was to be a marvel of smoke and mirrors.
I mean, surely things had improved since Britney made her 2007 Most Embarrassing Comeback of the VMAs show. Remember? She’d previously had a baby, and then returned for a stage performance in sparkly hotpants. Someone had sprayed on abs in the hopes she would still look like a 19-year-old – obviously, this is an unrealistic standard, by anyone’s means. Even Britney’s.
But they were infants of body contouring back then. Since 2007, humanity has made wild and elaborate leaps in technology. We’ve created period-proof undies, fitbits that tell you when your baby is ready to nap and (gasp!) gluten-free pasta that actually tastes good.
It stands to reason then, that someone, somewhere would be capable of giving a person with no abs, a convincing set. Fake it til you make it, right?
I walked into Beach Street spray tanning salon ready to be wowed. And I was. Served a mimosa in a gold champagne flute, my host was lovely and casual and not intimidating in the least.
Of course, body contouring isn’t on the menu there – in fact, it’s not technically available anywhere in Australia (sorry, guys) – but for the purpose of the exercise (and a great story) the tanning technician kindly agreed to contour some abs on, after successfully completing the exercise on her colleague the night before our treatment:
As for my turn? Well, there was a lot of spraying and blending involved, to say the least. Not to mention, serious precision in painting the abs themselves on, too. It’s a skill, and one that I wouldn’t recommended tanning novices try at home:
Suffice to say, my abs were not a ripped, roaring success. But, as any fake tan aficionado will tell you, a trip to the salon is a treat – and I probably would have come out feeling more flattered with one of Beach Street tanning’s more, er, traditional treatments.
Regardless, maybe I’m just not meant to have a carved stomach. And while I would not wear my new abs to the beach, I know who I’m dressing as for Halloween. Just give me a sparkly pair of hotpants…
October 25, 20161:18pm